As a connoisseur of film, I’ve noticed that you can reasonably fit a sex scene into pretty much every conceivable genre without it being too inappropriate. The notable exceptions here are Disney animated features, which would be vaguely unsettling if they featured penis-in-vagina thrusting, and comic book movies, which have no idea what to do with sex. Sex in comic book movies is about as awkward as sex in a comic book store.
#5. The Return Of Swamp Thing
On the one hand, how could the sex in this movie ever be even remotely not stupid? On the other hand, if you’re including the sex, you damn well put the effort in to make it memorable and hot. I want to fap to Swamp Thing boning Heather Locklear in all his green-donged glory. Me and Japan, we dig that shit. It’s what the audience deserves.
The poster basically promises us.
Instead, the movie gives us Locklear in a shitty swamp pad with Swamp Thing, who laments his lack of penis by offering her crotch endive. I’ve never typed that sentence in my life before now, but every word of it is true.
Locklear eats the crotch salad and then has a hallucinogenic humpventure with a non-swampy Swamp Thing. So basically he roofied her and maybe post-hypnotically suggested he was buggering her against a log. I say that the man has total control of plants, and could have absolutely had a soft but supple vine with a mushroom growth on the tip serve as his Swamp Thing Thing, and that he could have then used it to plow her like a field of soy. In the end, the scene is tragically flawed, because Hollywood never thought to ask grade-school me how the sex should have played out in their film.
#4. Kick-Ass 2
Kick-Ass is an exceptionally cool film that was followed by an exceptionally underwhelming and oddly disquieting sequel. Neither one seems to have any idea how to deal with sexuality in a way that doesn’t make you want to fast-forward the movie for a moment, either.
Kick-Ass the first has a preoccupation with the main character’s masturbation habits — or “Fap Habitualis,” as the Romans would have said. And maybe that’s where comic book movies are going in the next few years: toward excessive masturbation and teenage boys who fight in diving suits. I don’t know. What I do know is that in the sequel to Kick-Ass, McLovin hilariously attempts to rape a woman.
Now, before anyone shoots me for my word choice, I’m just pointing out what I think is the major, devastating, mind-boggling flaw in this movie: They tried to make a potential rape scene funny. It wasn’t funny, but I think that was the goal. If you recall, McLovin’s Motherfucker character is set to sexually assault the character Night Bitch, only he’s unable to achieve an erection. Ha ha, he has limp dick! Rape averted!
The tone is all wrong, the scene is all wrong, the motivation is all wrong — nothing makes sense at all about this scene, given the character to this point. He’s like a pseudo-villain, a pretend villain, and maybe that’s why he can’t really commit the act? Because he’s not genuinely evil? Or not evil enough? I can’t wrap my head around what the script was trying to do. All I know is they set up a rape scene in the middle of a fun action flick that featured Jim Carrey as a knockoff Captain America, and I don’t feel good about it.
If you remember the movie Hancock, then I’m sorry. No one should be burdened with that. Ah, who am I kidding, it wasn’t that bad. It has Charlize Theron, and she’s a delight in everything except Monster, where she unfairly stole the job of an uggo. I’m surprised a union didn’t file a grievance somewhere.
As superhero movie goes, Hancock was supposed to be realistic, and it ended up being kind of funny and kind of disappointing, because Will Smith’s character is a bit too much of an asshole throughout the film to care about. But because it deals with realism — how would the world really work if Superman existed, basically — it busted out the age-old question about superhero sex.
I think this was first addressed in Mallrats, but I could be wrong. Suffice to say that Kevin Smith has long wondered, as have many others, how Superman could bone a regular human woman. His ejaculate, a thing no man can control, would be as superpowered as the rest of him. And if this guy can punch through walls, his jizz would go off like a fire hose. Or would it?
The line to find out starts behind me.
Well, Hancock does answer this question in a deleted scene. Why deleted? Because as much as fanboys could ask this question, no one really wants to be confronted with the answer. It’s ridiculous. As you can see, the dude blows holes in the ceiling. Ha ha, super jizz is flying through space and will probably kill a duck!
My issue here is complex, but if I have to pick just one aspect of this I really have a problem with, it’s that Smith warns his lady of choice to back off when he tells her to. When he’s about to reach the “mountaintop,” she needs to get as far away from him as possible. In fact, in the scene, he throws her across the room …
… before firing three holes through his ceiling.
And I have no doubt that someone was gifted a gold watch for comedy innovation on set when they did that scene, but the implication of this, unless I’m terribly off-base, is that at least once in his past, Hancock blew a woman to pieces with his spooge. How else would he know she needs to get so far away? This isn’t a conscientious man who thinks ahead and cares for others — his character is a thoughtless asshole. He absolutely jizzed a woman into oblivion in his past.
There but for the grace of some screenwriter …
Originally found athttp://www.cracked.com/